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How to Talk to Your Cat About Gun Safety: And Abstinence, Drugs, Satanism, and Other Dangers That Threaten Their Nine Lives, by Zachary Auburn

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About the Author

ZACHARY AUBURN is a writer and artist whose 'zines include an analysis of every outfit worn by the Golden Girls in the first season, a Choose Your Own Adventure about a tortured relationship (which Slate called a "small masterpiece"), and a field guide to the aliens on Star Trek. He has been profiled in the Portland Mercury, Catster magazine, and Utne Reader.

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Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.

Chapter 1HOW TO TALK TO YOUR CAT ABOUT GUN SAFETYDo I need to talk to my cat about gun safety?The first question many of you will be asking is, “Do I really need to teach my cat about gun safety?” The answer is an unequivocal “Yes!!!” The Constitution of the United States of America guarantees us the right to own and operate firearms, and that is a right we must exercise in order to keep our country healthy, lest our democracy atrophy. It is the duty of all American citizens—as well as their cats—to be able to use and maintain a firearm. Citizens who cannot handle a gun safely are as irresponsible and useless as citizens who do not own a gun at all. Americans and their homes are under attack. It is impurrative that, in order to ensure the future security of our country, every man, woman, child, and cat be able to defend our nation against the enemies of democracy.Do cats really play with guns?Yes! Absolutely yes! Even a cursory search of the Internet will turn up dozens of pictures of cats playing with guns, almost all handling them in an incredibly unsafe manner. The pictures above and on page 7 are but a small sample—the tip of the iceberg—that illustrates the very real danger posed by cats who are uneducated in the ways of gun safety.So my cat finds a gun, what’s the big deal?It is frequently said that curiosity killed the cat, but what is often left unsaid is that the actual cause of death was the improper discharge of a firearm by a poorly trained feline. Cats are inquisitive creatures, no doubt about it. They are going to explore every nook and cranny of your home. And if you keep a firearm in your place of residence (which you should), it is only a matter of time before your cat discovers it. Pawse for a meowment to think about which scenario you would rather have play out:Your cat, never having seen or handled a gun before, bats it around as if it’s just another toy or stuffed mouse, possibly discharging it in the process?Or,Your cat, whom you have already talked to about how a firearm is a tool and not a toy, and who has received extensive training on the proper handling of the weapon, discovers your firearm and accords it the respect it is due?The answer should be as obvious as the whiskers on your cat’s face!Is it safe to own a gun if I have cats in my house?Pawsitively yes! A gun is a tool, plain and simple. While it does have the potential to cause injury, the same is true of cleaning chemicals, knives, and matches. It is only because of the propaganda and scare tactics of the liberal, Jew-run media that Americans second-guess the wisdom of keeping guns in their households—scare tactics that undoubtedly serve their greater agenda to overthrow the rightful leadership of the United States, and the subsequent imposition of a European-based one-world government. If anything, once you have explained to your cat the importance of responsible gun handling, having a firearm in your home will make your cat considerably safer. Not only will your fluffy little friend be prepared to fend off criminal, foreign, or supernatural threats, but cats from gun-free homes are more likely to be curious about weapons they encounter than cats who are already familiar with them. As we will discuss in the next section, it is impossible to guarantee that your cat will never come into contact with a gun, so make sure your kitty is ready for it when that day finally arrives!I’m responsible with my gun, why should I bother to teach my cat about gun safety?You always keep your guns unloaded when not in use. They are stored in a secured gun safe that only you have the key to. You even have trigger locks. Surely with all these precautions you don’t need to talk to your cat about responsible firearm usage, right? Wrong. Dead wrong! Even if you keep your firearms secure, that doesn’t mean your cat won’t encounter one elsewhere, especially if they’re an outside cat. Do you really know what your cat is up to when they leave the house? What other cats they associate with? Where they go? What they’re doing? While 40 percent of American households are smart enough to own at least one firearm, not all of them are as responsible as you. Think about how many homes on your block alone might have unsecured weapons your cat could get their paws on. Even worse, many of these unsecured guns are kept in cardboard boxes, a container most cats will find irresistible. If your pet were to come into contact with a gun without the proper training, it could be a catastrophe!ADVICE FROM OUR EXPURRTSAll the guns in the world won’t do your cat a lick of good if he doesn’t have the ammewnition to back them up. Wrapping your cat in a bandolier will help ensure he’s ready for trouble wherever he goes, whether it’s out in the neighborhood, using his litter box, or even snuggled in his favorite blanket.What is the best age to start talking to my cat about gun safety?The easy answer is that no age is too young to start introducing your cat to the benefits and responsibilities of gun ownership, but realistically, you should wait until at least a week after birth, when cats begin to open their eyes. At no point in your cat’s life will it be more playful and precocious than when they’re a kitten. The obituaries are filled with families who thought that their kitten was too young to play with guns, that they could wait until the cat was just a little bit older to instruct them on proper firearm usage and safety. This assumption is irresponsible, and—too often—fatal! If anything, the youthfulness of your kitten is even more reason to teach them about firearms. Never forget: your kitten’s curiosity, clumsiness, mischievousness, and lack of problem-solving abilities can be a deadly combination!What are the risks of not talking to my cat about gun safety?Every day that you hesitate in talking to your cat about gun safety you are putting yourself, your loved ones, and your cat at risk. Think about your cat, sitting by a window, watching a bird in a nearby tree. How much does your cat want to catch that bird!? They desire nothing more, and if your cat has not been trained to respect the power of a firearm, they may try to use your gun to do it!You may think that there’s no danger in this, that cats are natural hunters. But until your cat has practiced in the controlled setting of a reputable and licensed firing range, you cannot assume that they have the skills necessary to operate the gun safely. While cats do possess many innate skills when it comes to hunting, the operation of a firearm is not among them. Over 40 percent of firearm accidents involving cats are caused by improperly trained felines attempting to shoot birds out of trees: accidents that lead to the wounding or death of tens of thousands of humans and cats every single year. This is the most common danger you expose your household to when you fail to talk to your cat about gun safety, but it’s certainly not the only one. Don’t procatstinate! Talk to your cat today!Wait, does that mean that I shouldn’t allow my cat to use a gun while hunting?No, of course your cat should have access to all the weaponry our Founding Fathers risked their lives to guarantee us, whether it be a simple Beretta 9mm or a fully automatic AK-47. However, if your cat is going to use a firearm for hunting, it is important to make sure that they are properly licensed, that they do not fire the gun within five hundred feet of a residential area, and that they understand the importance of wearing a highly visible orange hunting vest. Further, since cats are color blind, it is advisable that you mark the vest in some way so your cat will be able to tell it apart from any other non-orange vests they own of a similar cut.Is it wise to teach my cat how to use a gun? How do I know I can trust them?Some have said that our cats might have greater loyalty to other cats than to their country, but this is patently untrue. Just like how it’s written out, American cats are Americans first and cats second. I have no doubt that when there is some sort of incursion by the European Union or the United Nations to impose their sovereignty upon America, despite the presence of cats on both sides of the conflict, American cats will stand with us. Our cats were born here and they have tasted the sweet fruits of our democracy. It is prepawsterous to think that their blood would run any less red than that of a human American patriot.How do cats fit in to the defense of America?There are almost one hundred million cats living in American households, and untold millions more loosely organized into feral militias. Do you not think that the enemies of our nation quake in fear at the thought of an extra hundred million soldiers defending our country—soldiers who possess superhuman reflexes, balance, and unrivaled night vision? The importance of cats to national defense is something that has been understood by many of our greatest presidents, from Abraham Lincoln to George W. Bush, and is something that, as vigilant Americans, we must never furget.Besides safety, why should I teach my cat how to handle a gun?Simply because it is the duty of every American citizen, human and cat alike, to exercise the rights bestowed upon us by the U.S. Constitution. By teaching your cat about the potential dangers your home might face—such as burglars, dogs, ghosts, and foreign enemies of the United States—as well as the proper way to respond to them, you are helping to fulfill the destiny of the greatest nation ever conceived of. Failing to train your cat to use firearms is a betrayal of everything that George Washington and our other Founding Fathers held dear.Are there any types of guns that are inappropriate for my cat to use?While forbidding the use of any gun would be a violation of your cat’s Second Amendment rights, there are some types of firearm that might be better suited for cats than others. While virtually any cat will be able to handle a lightweight 9mm with ease, few cats excepting perhaps a Maine Coon or Norwegian Forest Cat will have the size and strength necessary to fire a Desert Eagle or Barrett 82A1 safely, at least without extensive training. But if there is one hard-and-fast rule on this topic, it’s this: under no circumstances should you provide your cat with a gun equipped with a laser scope, as your cat is likely to be more interested in the dot it makes than in the deer, burglar, or communist in their sights.Is it even legal for my cat to own a gun?At this point in time the legality of cats owning guns is a gray area. Nanny-state liberals who don’t think that Americans can be trusted to wipe their own bottoms, let alone own firearms, have imposed draconian background checks and permits that technically prevent a cat from registering a firearm. However, there is nothing in the U.S. Constitution that explicitly forbids cats from owning guns. Until the day when some brave purrtriot has the courage to buy a gun, register it, get arrested, then appeal the case all the way to the Supreme Court, we cannot say for certain; however, we feel sure that someday soon our cats will finally have the right to proudly own and bear arms—legally!Okay, you’ve convinced me! Now what?When you finally do decide to have the talk with your cat, make sure it’s in a quiet place, free from distractions. As amewsing as your kitty might be when they’re playing with a dangling piece of string, this is a serious discussion, and it is important that you have your cat’s undivided attention. Place your cat on your lap and make sure to give them lots of pets while you’re speaking to ensure that you have their full attention. If you have more than two cats, or if you have experienced an accident whereby you have lost the use of one or more arms, enlist a partner or friend to join you for the discussion and to pet any cats in excess of the number of working arms you have.Is there anything specific I should tell my cat?There is no one perfect script to use when talking to your cat. However, there are four key points every conversation should hit on:êIf you encounter a strange gun, don’t touch it!êNever let your paw touch the trigger unless you are prepared to fire the gun.êNever point the gun at something unless you intend to shoot it.êRemember, guns are not balls of yarn. They shouldn’t be batted around or handled lightly. Always keep a secure grip on your gun.How can I prepare my cat for the threats they will commonly face?An oft-neglected aspect of gun safety is knowing how to wield your firearm against your enemy in an appropriate fashion. All the safety training in the world will do no good if your cat isn’t purrpared with the specific tactics and strategy needed against a given foe. Here are pointers for some of the most commonly encountered dangers to our furry friends.êDogs are often, as it is commonly said, all bark and no bite. Instruct your cat to fire a warning shot if an angry or aggressive dog confronts them. This will be enough to scare most dogs away without resorting to bloodshed. Remember, when firing a warning shot, always fire down into the ground, not into the air! (Note: if you own a dog, do not use the advice in this book to educate them about firearms. Please refer to our guidebook “How to Talk to Your Dog About Gun Safety” instead.)êBurglars, while posing a potentially serious threat to your cat’s safety, should not be met with lethal force. In many cases it will suffice merely to maim the intruder. Just because your cat is the cutest little cutie-pie in the world does not mean they possess the higher brain functions and powers of reasoning necessary to decide the fate of every criminal who crosses your threshold.

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Product details

Paperback: 144 pages

Publisher: Three Rivers Press (October 4, 2016)

Language: English

ISBN-10: 045149492X

ISBN-13: 978-0451494924

Product Dimensions:

5.6 x 0.3 x 8.2 inches

Shipping Weight: 7.2 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)

Average Customer Review:

4.5 out of 5 stars

448 customer reviews

Amazon Best Sellers Rank:

#2,602 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

One cat loved it, the other thought it was very boring. See pictures.

Capt whiskerfuzzy pant's father is doing fifteen to life in cat prison. You owe it to your pets to teach them about the pitfalls of catnip and the gateway drug that it is. After reading this to my cats, I can honestly say that feline related shootings in my house have been zero.

I'm so glad someone finally put this information out. I never would've been able to approach my cat about gun safety, or overcome my fears that maybe he was in league with the dark lord. Now I can put all of my anxiety to bed and have a more meaningful relationship with my cat. Thank you Mr. Auburn!

My cat added this to his wishlist. He seems to enjoy it but is still distant as usual. I suspect catnip and/or pagans.

Let me just start by extending my utmost gratitude and appreciation to the author of this book. For years I watched in horror as my cat made decision after reckless decision, wasting eight of his precious God given lives. A tale as old as time...His first life was lost to marijuana poisoning. Second and third, sacrificial satanic rituals gone awry. Fourth life lost after a pistol misfire during a wild western style dual with the neighbor’s cat...(and don’t even get me started on the neighbor’s cat!) In his fifth life he hussled too hard. That one is particularly difficult for me to talk about without triggering a series of violent emotional fits, my apologies. During his sixth life he dabbled purr-fusely as an esteemed purr-fessional gigalo, falling victim to a wicked transmitted disease (Looking at you, neighbor’s cat!!!), the likes of which modern medicine has yet to find a cure. Much to my dismay, both his seventh AND eighth lives were spent smuggling weapons (and catnip) across the Canadian border. My cat, an arms dealer? And smuggling the “purr-p nip” illegals?! I’d just about had it, friends. One day shortly after he’d entered his ninth life, I noticed he’d checked out a book on Satanism from our local library. I’d also witnessed him making soft eyes at the neighbor’s cat. "NOT AGAIN" I thought, “NOT THIS TIME AROUND.” Fearful of what would happen if I didn’t intervene, I began to research diligently for any applicable preventative guidance that might be available to the public. I was determined to secure the purity and safety of my dear cat during his final curtain call in this malicious world! By chance, I stumbled upon this glorious and assistive owners guide. It has more than just your average, run of the mill tips and tricks. It provided my wounded heart and weary spirit with a roadmap to facilitating positive change. In it I found a fresh perspective and countless renewed approaches for talking openly with my cat, sans hesitation. We discussed the errs of recklessness with calculated purr-pose. Sure, we were both hesitant at first... cautious, slightly flustered and embarrassed. Despite the temporary social discomfort this book paved way for opportunity in developing an unfiltered bond of trust between the two of us. We collaborated. We discussed our feelings and experiences. We enlightened each other with the gift of perspective from our own personal lens. My cat now lives each day to the absolute fullest. He helps out around the house, folds laundry, and even makes dinner one night a week. He studied and invested in the stock market, finding a decent amount of success therein. He hasn’t stolen my car or any petty cash from my purse to this date and has yet to watch a single R rated film, insisting he has no desire to ever do so (the only exception being the Wolf of Wall Street). As an additional bonus he managed to convert the neighbor’s cat to Christianity, both of them swearing scout’s honor to a life of respectable celibacy! He also practices mindfulness, meditation and gratitude in hopes to one day land among the monks. Friends, I can now proudly declare that my cat has turned over many a new leaf! He is a positive and astute influence for all, a jovial saint, a blessing with fur—and it’s all thanks to this book! If you can relate in any way to the troubles and tribulations outlined in this review and are for some reason still on the fence about purchasing this book, allow me put your indecision to bed. You will not regret this investment in the slightest. Even if you don’t personally own a cat but know someone that does, buy it. It’s worth every penny to secure this credible, top-drawer reference guide! Educate yourself and everyone you know for the greater good. Don’t wait for your cat to lose another of their nine lives, buy today! Knowledge is power and safety is key, click “buy it now” and grateful you’ll be.All the stars!

I guess if you aren't giggling while reading this, you aren't getting the joke. Don't replace "kids where it says "cat". This book is literally just a joke. Stop being so serious. I dug it and I'm liberal as heck and so did my uber Republican better half. Because it's funny through and through

I decided to order this as my cat was out of control. Promiscuous, gun nut, and using the internet unsafely. I read her this book over the course of a month, and did some activities. I now have a well adjusted, polite, safe cat who enjoys life the way it was meant to be. Thank you.

For soooo long, I avoided Mr. Tails. He would run all over the house spilling my coffee, jumping into my 20 fish tanks, and sleeping in all of my empty cardboard boxes. But the one thing that separated us the most was his blatant disrespect he had when he handled my M107 Barrett .50 Caliber Sniper Rifle. I mean, talk about a careless feline. I'd come home to find 2 foot wide holes in my ceiling with him next to a smoking barrel. After months of frustration and pulling my hair out, I knew I needed to reach out to a close friend. Randy (no last name) caught me as I was heading into the company bathroom one day and said "You look terrible. Problems with the wife?" I wanted to scream and yell, "I HAVE NO WIFE, I HAVE NO FRIENDS, AND I LOVE MR. TAILS!" but the words never came out. I finally came to my senses and bought a $1200 plane ticket to Nepal where I could meet with the Dalai Lama to see if his wisdom could ease my relationship with my furry creature of terror. As I approached him, he looked me straight into the eyes and did not say a word but instead, raised his hand with what looked like a small brochure. Sure enough, it was. He said, "Go forth, speak with your hairball, begin to trust each other once more again." On the $1200 plane ticket back home, I read word for word everything on this brochure. I practiced my lines and gave rebuttal's to the numerous "MEOWS" I was going to receive. As the taxi driver pulled up to my house, I saw Mr. Tails on the front porch with my .357 Smith & Wesson Magnum Revolver pointed directly at me, clearly with the safety off. I approached him with caution and distrust. "I need to talk to you about how you're ruining our lives!" I yelled to him. We screamed, cried, laughed, as I sat with him reading word for word out of this astonishing brochure. Everything is back to normal again all thanks to The American Association of Patriots "How To Talk to Your Cat About Gun Safety" pamphlet.

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